Rough Kindness

 I spent yesterday writing up the minutes of a Hall Committee meeting, one called not just for general business but to do a post-mortem on the big dinner we held last Sunday. The workers from the dinner were told of the meeting and welcomed to the first part of it to do their analysis. I boiled this down to a one-page summary, plus appended notes on changes of the quantity of some food items. It took me all day. At one point JG came by and looked at me swinging in my office chair and said ‘You will wear that chair out’. I was Not Amused.

What is it about teasing and being teased? Some people do it and take it gracefully and graciously. It can be especially funny and meaningful if people pull it on themselves. I cherish the memory of a practice of the basketball team I was on in high school. This was the first practice after the summer break. We were all sitting on a bench in a row, waiting to start, and one of us looked up and down the row and said “You are all darker than I am!”  We were. Carol was what would then have been called a ‘Black’, because although she was, I am quite sure, of mixed race and was pale skinned, she had the characteristic hair and features we identify as African=American. She had been, lucky creature, in an office job during the summer holiday and those of us sitting on both sides of her had mostly been either lifeguards at outdoor pools or facilitators for children at local parks. And, that being the 1950’s, we were all tanned. Heavily tanned. Carol’s legs were paler than those of most of the rest of us. We all howled with laughter. I still smile when I think about it.

Other times and other comments do not make me smile. Comments delivered with a smile can still be cutting and meant to hurt. I think women are more likely to do this than men are, but I am not sure why I think that. I have overheard groups of boys and men saying awful things to one another and everyone laughing. I am unable to interpret whether that level of ‘teasing’ is a bonding activity or as cruel as it sounds from outside the group. If, for instance, someone said “You dickhead” to me, I would not laugh. But women tend not to use that kind of rough ‘kindness’? It’s the catty little digs that I hear, things like ‘What a pretty dress, dear. You must have made it yourself. And it is how and when it is said that determines the degree of nastiness intended.

The way I read it, some people tease because they want to be closer but do not know how. My mother’s grandfather comes to mind. My mother always said she hated him as a child because he teased but later realized he wanted to engage her but knew no other way. In the case of JG and the chair, though, I am not sure whether he was delivering a message about how long I had been messing about with the minutes or just commenting. And so, I took it as a criticism, gently delivered as a tease. And I did not like the idea that it was a criticism. And did my imitation of Queen Victoria in old age.

It is now the next day and I am back at the computer. Again. Note that my office does not have a door. We shall see what the day brings forth.